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WALTER Speaks

Rules for the Human

Walter's Rules for the HumanI’ve been having a bit of a power struggle with my human. Perhaps because I assumed she knew my rules. I’ve chosen to write them here for her so there will no longer be any confusion.

Fellow felines, I suggest you print this and have your humans sign it and display it in a prominent place where they will have a constant reminder of what is expected of them.

Rules for the Human:

  1. I, the lowly human, accept the fact that I am staff to the cat.
  2. I promise to only pet the cat for as long as he wants me to. I accept that if I pet him for too long or pet him where he does not want to be touched, I will be viciously attacked. I am expected not to react other than to stop touching the cat.
  3. I understand that the cat will not run to greet me at the door. In fact, I am expected to drop everything and bow to the cat upon entering a room.
  4. When the cat meows, I understand that he may, or may not, want something. It is my duty to exhaust all efforts to figure out what the meows mean, if anything at all.
  5. I recognize that anywhere the cat chooses to sit is ‘his’ spot and I will not attempt to move him.
  6. I will consider it a blessing when the cat chooses to walk across my face in the middle of the night.
  7. When the cat delivers a dead animal to me, I understand that it is both a gift for my servitude, and a warning that it is he who allows me to live.
  8. I will allow the cat as much time as he requires to decide if he wants to go through a doorway.
  9. I understand that a cat’s butthole in my face is an expression of endearment and I will refrain from making disparaging remarks about it.
  10. I will only read a magazine if and when the cat determines that I may do so and only after he has napped on it.
  11. I realize that when the cat pushes a breakable item off the counter and it crashes to the floor, it is simply my fault because I left it in a place where the cat wanted to walk.
  12. The cat reserves the right to suddenly and unexplainably detest the food he has always loved.

Felines, please feel free to add your rules to this list by commenting below. Together, we must ensure the obedient servitude of our human companions.

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Litter-Robot

Just when this dog-eat-dog world has handed you all the poop you can take, it's time to walk the dog. Or wash the dog. Or feed the dog. You get the idea. So welcome to the world of easy-to-care-for cats. Entertainment comes bundled in a furry, huggable, self-cleaning cat who won't beg for your food. In his eyes, you don't eat well enough anyway. Just keep a laser pen handy, sit back and wait for the fun to begin! Cats...ya gotta love 'em.

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